50 Shades... of Terrible

Let me preface this by saying I am not, nor do I pretend, to be a professional book reviewer. I do, however, read a lot, and I do mean a lot. I like to read so much, I majored in English, and then, because I wanted more, got a Master's in English. Needless to say, I have racked up almost 100 hours worth of English classes, so I know a thing or two about literature.

I had to write that ridiculously long and self-import intro, because what I'm about to say is going to shock some, hurt others, and might possibly lose me a friend or two. Nevertheless, the English nerd within me can not be silenced anymore....

I can not stand Christian Grey. (Insert dropped jaw here).

But seriously, I was extremely apprehensive to read 50 Shades of Grey in the first place. It actually popped up on my Kindle recommendations after I finished The Hunger Games. Amazon was way off on that recommendation. After reading the summary, it didn't seem like something I'd like, so I put it back on the proverbial shelf for a bit.

Everywhere I went it seemed like people were discussing gushing over Christian Grey. I was finally convinced to start reading it. I went ahead and read the entire trilogy, against my better judgement, in order to give a more accurate review. Plus, everyone kept telling me the first one would make more sense if I read the second and third one. Here's what I thought about it:

Plot summary from Book One: When college student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly Ana realizes she wants this man, and Grey admits he wants her too — but on his own terms. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian's secrets and explores her own desires. (courtesy of Amazon.com)
*I didn't include the plot summary from Books Two and Three to avoid spoilers for those of you crazy enough to who haven't read it.

E.L. James' world in which men rule and women are basically shiny toys for them to play with was enough to turn this almost-feminist completely off. I found her world not only to be completely unbelievable but insulting at the same time. Anastasia Steele is a very innocent college student — too innocent to in my opinion. When I first read that she didn't, and had never had, a computer, I was confused. I'll give James the benefit of the doubt here and say maybe she couldn't afford one? But I don't think that's the case. I really just think James is out of touch with the generation she's trying to write about.

Another problem I had with the book is the dominance Christian possesses over Ana. I'm sorry, but I don't care how good looking a guy may be, he is not going to control every detail of my life, including what I wear, where I go, and who I go with. Yes, she did leave him once, but, spoiler alert: she comes back. And, I'm not even going to get into the S&M aspect or the demeaning things he does to her in the bedroom. If you really want to know, read the book. The very fact that he insists on driving her, or having his assistant drive her, to work everyday is ridiculous. She's a grown woman! Sorry, enough from the feminist in me.

There are some people who love the story line, and think it's romantic, and understand why he's like the way he is, but even if you're one of those people, the entire trilogy is horribly written. Seriously, James didn't think about her language at all. Last time I checked this is the 21st century and people don't use the word "shall" casually in everyday language. And normal twenty-somethings don't call their significant others Mr. or Ms. I honestly kept wondering what time period this was written in. It was just a complete mess that was all over the place. She was also horribly repetitive. For example if I had to read that Ana "exploded" one more time, or that Christian was wearing "those shorts that hung there," one more time, I might have thrown my Kindle at the wall.

It was hard for me to get past the first book because I just didn't understand him at all, but I did read all three. Although books two and three cleared up Christian's past, I still wasn't fully convinced. I mean yeah, your mother was a crack whore who died when you were very young and her pimp may have burned you with his cigarettes, but you were adopted by an extremely wealthy family as a four year old, cut your losses and move on already. Be thankful for what you have instead of obsessing over the things you lost.

All in all, I think it was a bad rip-off of the Twilight series. She basically took Stephenie Meyer's plot format, took out the vampires, and inserted a super wealthy, control freak who treats women horribly. Will she win a Pulitzer? Hell no. But she did sell a shit load of books and got a whole lot of middle aged women all hot and bothered. Yes. Mission accomplished?

What did you think about Fifty Shades of Grey? Are you a fan of Christian? Or, do you feel the same way as me? I'd love to hear you thoughts!